High above I saw a small patch of blue sky. Oh, how I wished for a immaculate, pure, crystalline world, bearing nothing from the sloth, worms and the stench I was dabbling in. I felt the need to breath clean, ozoned, air; without it, I could not breath, I was suffocating.
But You, Good Shepherd, who forever look for the lost sheep, had already heard my wail, had already seen my little finger stretched, had already read my wish to leave the miserable state I lived in. Thus, by and by, I heard a noise above my head. The dry branches were crackling, small stones were rolling, the leaves were rustling. Somebody was hasting towards me. I had forebodings of a tearful happiness.
When I turned my head, what was I to see? You, Sweet Jesus! I saw you, among tears, whole, in full stature. You were as tall as the Cross you were crucified on! You head, pressed down as by a large burden, was bloody and crowned with thorns. Your hands and feet, pierced by nails, left blood marks on the ground. But You, Jesus, did not consider your pain, did not looked after your wounds, but were only looking to me. From Your meek eyes, tears of grief were dripping for the miserable condition I was found into.
Oh Lord, My God, how good were You towards me! How much love did You care for me with! With how much gentleness, and delicacy, You attentively bound up my wounds, pouring on them oil and wine! How good were You towards me! On the entire face of the earth, there is no mother which can caress as You have caressed me!
You kneeled close to my crushed and torn-by-sins soul and begun to tell me that my wish for a blue sky will be fulfilled. That, up there, there is another world, thousands of times better, cleaner, happier! There are songs of flying angels, there are birds, flowers, butterflies, not seen on Earth. THere is eternal spring and eternal happiness. After You thus cleansed my blood and tears, after You restored my health, You raised me from my abyss, from the mud, telling me to sin no more, that nothing worse befalls me. And, after showing me the Way, the Truth, and the Life, You left me to carry my cross through the end of my earthly life. You left me, but not abandoned me. I felt your presence at each step. Anytime I walked through blizzards or storms, each time I spoke about Your sacrifice to adults or children, every time I immersed myself in warm moments of prayer, I saw with my eyes filled with tears that You are beside me, I felt You were holding my hand as being Your child, that You suffer together with me, endure together with me, weep with me. But Your mercy for me was not limited to just that.
When You saw that the waves of temptation were about to swallow me, and that the wickedness of the devils was ruthless and poisoned than ever, You sent Your dearest Mother, whom, still on the Cross being, You made her my dearest Mother. And in these hard, unbearable moments, the Immaculate Lady came to me, as to an orphan child I were. She found me, most often, on my knees, in bursts of tears. Then, the Queen Mother came to me clothed in a sky-blue vestment, and, full of compassion for m suffering, she laid the holy hand on my head, caressing me with words filled with unspeakable love, arising from a velvety, silky heart, filled with the ointment of meekness and kindness, which refreshed my soul as does the rain, after a torrid day, refresh the burnt and thirsty soil.
And, after the Most Holy Virgin left, You also sent my most faithful friend, my holy guardian angel, to keep watch at my side during the night, and keep me out of dangers during the day. For all these, not words, nor life would be enough to bring to You the thousands of thanks and the eternal gratitude I owe to You.
But, for all Your charity without comparison, today -- Woe to me! -- I have forgotten You again, I have forsaken You again. I left You again, crucified on Your Cross, and I returned to my vain idols. I have forgotten the sufferings in the pit from Egypt, I forgot You love, I forgot the divine power you raised me from the Red Sea and from the endless desert. And, even dreadful, I preferred the buckets full of meat to the heavenly manna and the water from the rock. As a consequence, I now lay again in the abyss of Babylon -- crushed, torn, and dry.
Here, far from the house of my heavenly Father, far from Sion, for long I have taken the pigs for pasture in foreign lands. Even now, my harps are hanging from willow trees: I cannot sing as long as I am in the lands of sin. The sin has once more raised a separating wall, so that not a ray of Your love, not a comforting tear, could reach me. My heart is of stone, and my eyes are as of tinder.
Again I feel I am suffocating, I again long for the blue sky, I am calling You again, come down again, o Jesus, for the sheep that once more got lost. Do not leave me alone and forsaken, because now, more than ever, I need You, only You.
Yes, o Jesus, I need only You, because only Yourself were given all the power in heaven and on hearth. I need only You, because only You, sweet Jesus, showed Your endless love towards me, shedding even Your last drop of blood for my salvation.
Father Archimandrite Paulin Lecca (1914-1996)
